What?
by Nobody-Somebody
Summary: Roxas isn't spending as much time with Axel as he used to. Does he not like Axel anymore? Well, Axel is determined to find out. Aku/Roku, Riku/Sora, Zemyx, Marluxia/Larxene, Xigbar/Luxord... M for mentions of sex. And sex toys... Mostly crack.


**_Brought over from my old account, XNobodyXSomebodyX, I only decided to keep this because, even though it was absolute crack, I still thought it was hilarious somehow. I still really love it, and I hope you guys still love it just as much!_**

* * *

_**What?**_

Now saying I am jealous wouldn't be quite correct… I was merely… **concerned**. Roxas is, after all, my boyfriend, and I am just a little concerned as to why the younger boy would suddenly stop spending so much time with me. Last week, we wouldn't go to the bathroom without the other! It was like an unwritten rule! No matter how creepy that may be!

Now, I can barely ever get Roxas alone! I've gone from sex at least 3 times a day to 3 days without sex! So I took matters into my own hands, to find the real reason as to why my cute little blonde wouldn't spend time with me.

Now, can it really be considered stalking if the definition is to follow them stealthily out of obsession or derangement? I looked up the definition! And I am certain I am neither obsessed or deranged! Besides, I'm dating the guy. I just want to be sure my Roxas isn't in danger, or something.

And so begins my account of Roxas' life:

_**Monday**_

_**7 am: Roxas says he can't walk with me to school because his neighbor's (some guy named Zorra, or something…) mom is driving them to school. I thought that house was still for sale…**_

_**11:47 am: Roxas skips lunch to help some Omelet girl with some Hay-knee guy's school work. I didn't know we had an Arabic Studies class…**_

_**2 pm: Cowry (At least I think that's her name) invited Roxas, Name-e-neigh (or something that resembles that sound) and the Zorra guy from before out for ice-cream. I think I need to pay a bit more attention to Roxas' life from now on.**_

_**2:30 pm: Roxas is still having ice-cream with Kairi (Cowry?), Namine (Name-e-neigh?) and Sora (Zorra?). Some annoying blonde woman is reading this over my shoulder. Oh, it's Larxene. She just slapped me, but now she's gonna follow Roxas to help me! I knew I befriended her for a reason. Shit, she slapped me, again.**_

_**3 pm: They all went to Riku's game. Note to self: Make a hit-list. Roxas is talking to Kairi about something important, I can't get close enough to hear, though… Larxene began picking a fight with some pink-haired guy. They didn't notice them, though.**_

_**4:30 pm: Roxas is going to Kairi and Namine's house with Sora and Riku. Pink-haired guy's name is Marluxia, he and Larxene are dating now. I'm not gonna ask any questions about anything in this recording.**_

_**5 pm: Roxas is playing video games and eating something that I think is suppose to resemble tacos with Sora and Kairi. Demyx found us staring through Kairi and Namine's living room window and has joined us.**_

_**7 pm: Roxas finally heads home, he looks so cute when he's tired. Marluxia and Larxene broke up.**_

_**7:15 pm: Roxas gets home and calls me. I lie and tell him I've been hanging with Larxene, Demyx and Marluxia. He asks who Marluxia is. I say, "Larxene's 2 hour ex-boyfriend." I get slapped, again.**_

_**Tuesday**_

_**7 am: Sora is giving him a ride, again. I saw a chipmunk chase a cat.**_

_**11: 30 am: Kairi stole Roxas at last minute and ran off to the library, I'm stuck eating lunch with Larxene, Marluxia, Demyx, Zexion and Luxord. Luxord bets that I'll give up with the journal by Friday. Everyone agrees.**_

_**2 pm: Hayner, Olette and Pence (what kind of names are those?) invited Roxas to the movies. Larxene and Demyx tagged along today.**_

_**3:42 pm: Roxas is scared of zombie movies, commit it to memory. Demyx, too, he won't stop fidgeting now. Roxas meets up with Namine at the library. Who would want to voluntarily step foot in a library?**_

_**4: 30 pm: I've never been so bored in my life, and I've never been surrounded by books for so long in my life. Larxene was kicked out for fighting with some college student, Demyx wouldn't come in because they would make him leave his guitar outside. Roxas and Namine are just READING!**_

_**4: 48 pm: I was kicked out for accidentally setting a book on fire. Lighters are not allowed to be used in a library, but how would I have known that? Larxene is playing with her taser and Demyx is being… when did Zexion get here?**_

_**5 pm: Roxas FINALLY leaves the library, with Namine, of course. They are going to Riku's house. Zexion is bored, he's following him with us.**_

_**5:30 pm: Riku lives in a mansion! A gated mansion, damn. Zexion just got a call from someone, his great-grandfather died and left him some crap in his will. Zexion just found out he had a great-grandfather.**_

_**6:46 pm: Roxas leaves. Larxene and Demyx fell asleep in a bush. Zexion and I leave them there.**_

_**7:12 pm: Roxas gets home, he calls me. I lie, again, and tell him I've just been walking around with the guys (and Larxene). He asks me why I specified Larxene. I told him I would expect a crazy bitch like her to have ESP, and the ability to slap from about a mile away.**_

_**Wednesday**_

_**7 am: School was canceled because of a thunder storm, the town lost power. Roxas says he isn't gonna step foot outside until that rain stops, he thinks it's strong enough to wash him away.**_

_**1: 08 pm: Storm stops, I sprint to Roxas' house. He asks why I'm writing everything in a journal. I say it's documented evidence for the crime he is committing. He finally gives me the marshmallows.**_

_**1: 45 pm: Roxas is trying to force me to leave because he is meeting Namine at the library, again. I give up with the journal.**_

"But Roxie!"

"I have to go, Axel!"

"But-"

"Let go!"

"But-"

"What do you think you're doing with those hands?"

"Your butt!" I let a wolfish grin spread over my face as Roxas yelped and blushed after I grabbed his ass.

"Axel. Let. Me. Go." My eyes widened as I noticed the familiar signs of a pissed off Roxas: the shaking fists, the words he looks like he would prefer to yell at me, the fact that he can't say an entire sentence.

"But my Roxie time-"

"IS OVER! GO! LEAVE! AND GIVE ME MY CELL-PHONE!" I pouted as he pushed me out the front door and began calling someone, after he snatched his cell out of my hand. The door slammed in my face and I made puppy eyes at it, subconsciously of course, then gave up when it was obviously not moving. Damn inanimate objects… Instead, I opted for eavesdropping through the front door. Gotta love cheap landlords sometimes, although I can barely catch any of his conversation, _"Kairi, I really need… No, no, that'd ne… -re you sure?... Not exactly the most normal… Changed my gender, I will never get pregnant!... –ra and Riku, too?... EW! I DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE DETAILS!... What about chihuahuas?... Since when?… I don't need an armadillo… What about kimchi?"_

Little help that was, all I got from that was his midget neighbor staring at me like I'm a freak. Hey, he looks a lot like Roxas, in the face and eyes, at least…

"What are you doing?" He cocked his head a little, obviously not used to the sight of flaming red-haired teenagers trying to eavesdrop through cheaply made doors, kid needs to get out more.

"Saving the Alamo."

"What?"

"Can be a pronoun, noun, adjective, adverb, and more. Choose your context and try again later."

"What?"

"I said, 'try again later', like the Magic 8 Ball. Now is not later."

"Huh?"

"Is an interjection no matter how you look at it, would you like it's origination, too?" Studying the dictionary when you're bored and Roxie-less can be useful.

"What?"

"You may repeat yourself, kid, but I don't. You can either tell me in what context you want it or leave."

"Wha-Who-Why?"

"That makes no sense, Man! Snap out of it! SPEAK ENGLISH!"

"Axel, why are you yelling at Sora?" I was slightly surprised to see Roxas had actually opened the door again, but I'm not the type of person who is easily distracted.

"HE'S A SPECIAL BOY!" Much.

"WHAT?" Now Sora looked a little miffed… I think that was suppose to be a glare.

"STOP SAYING THAT!"

"What?" Roxas looked confused, poor guy.

"THAT!"

"THAT?"

"NO! 'WHAT'!"

"WHAT?"

"THAT!"

"HUH?"

"IS AN INTERJECTION!"

"Axel, I told you to stop reading the dictionary!"

"I just want to go home!" Sora looked like he wanted to cry more.

* * *

"And how was your day, Axel?" Larxene asked me as sat down between her and Luxord at her place, with Marluxia, Zexion and Demyx spread out randomly among her furniture.

"I sprinted a mile, ate three bags of marshmallows, saved the Alamo, fell in love with cheaply made doors, actually used the dictionary and made a Roxas look-alike, whose name I thought was Zorra two days ago, cry."

"Technically, Roxas is a Sora look-alike, because Sora is older than Roxas by a couple days, I believe." Zexion corrected, laying in one of those half-sofa things you always see therapists have in movies.

"Why would you know that?" Demyx asked, laying upside down over Zexion's body and the half-sofa.

"20 bucks says he hacked Roxas' school file and the files of everyone the blonde knows the moment Axel started dating him." Luxord piped up from his face down position on the couch to my right, the right of the love-seat Larxene and I sat on.

"It's a safe bet," Larxene smirked as Zexion blushed a little as their confirmation.

"Why is no one concerned about Axel's day, it sounded a little strange…" I forgot that Marluxia hasn't been friends with us for more than three days, he looked like he fit in with us so well from his spot on the lazy boy chair!

"It's not a strange day if you go by Axel's standards," Demyx answered, his face a little red from hanging upside down for so long, "He makes everyone else's days seem boring when he describes his!"

"The catch is that you have to learn to decipher the descriptions by yourself," Larxene smirked, I never realized my off-handed answers were secretly analyzed…

"Where's Roxas?" Zexion asked, completely butting into and changing the subject like he usually does.

"Drowning in estrogen." I muttered bitterly, not like I would've been able to hide it from them even if I tried. When I'm angry, everyone can tell.

"What?" Marluxia asked and I suddenly got a déjà vu moment.

"Can be a pronoun, noun, adjective, adverb, and more."

"Wha-"

"He means that Roxas' and Sora's lady friends probably had to come and console Sora in his confused aggravation, what a cry-baby!" Larxene laughed, what a bitch. Oh, wait, I'm chuckling, never mind.

"No, Riku broke up with him this morning," Zexion mumbled and then continued to pat the little hair that wasn't sticking up on Demyx's head, who had switched to lay sideways over Zexion.

"20 bucks says Zexion eavesdropped on the gossip-girls?" Marluxia mocked, looking at Luxord with a smirk.

"I have to pass Riku's mansion to get here, and Riku obviously thought his front yard would be a good place to break the news,"

Luxord smirked at Marluxia, "Pay up, Bitch,"

"Why would Riku break up with Sora?" Demyx asked, the only one of the group to express concern for the fallen couple.

"I don't know, but if Roxas' time is going to continue to be consumed by them, I'm gonna set them, their mothers and their unborn first children on fire!" I yelled, my patience has lasted quite awhile, I need sex.

"What's the range of a mid-evil catapult?" All attention returned to Zexion again, not because they were surprised by the question but because they were contemplating the answer.

"Use a trebuchet, they are much more accurate," Was the answer courtesy of Luxord.

"100 to 200 feet for trebuchets, I think, why you want to know, hon?" Larxene asked, taking a sip from her Coke.

"10 bucks says it has something to do with neighbors!" Marluxia jumped in, looking at Luxord, again.

"I self-diagnosed myself with a minor case of ADD…"

Luxord smirked at Marluxia, again, "I like the new guy, let's keep him!"

After that conversation with my lovely friends, I had come to only one conclusion: I _really_ need sex. And everyone knows Roxas has 24/7 sex hair for a reason.

"_No, Axel, I can't ditch Sora just so you can have a quickie! Now if you call one more time I'm gonna-"_Aw, he sounds so hot when he's growling out death threats over the phone!

"Now, Roxie, that's not a very nice thing to say to your boyfriend! Besides, you are always willing, what's different now?"

"_Did you just call me a slut?"_

"I didn't know you liked being talked dirty to…"

"_I don't!" _Oops, _"Axel, you can't just assume that as soon as we start dating that I'm gonna give all my time and energy to you! You just made Sora, my neighbor and friend, cry on his welcome mat because I wanted you to leave so that I could have a private conversation with my best-friend!"_

"Who's your best-friend?" Since when did he have a best-friend? I always thought he just had a group of people, I should talk to this best-friend. Wait, it's probably a girl. It's always that setup in the books and movies. The gay guy has a girl for a best-friend. Larxene's mine… maybe it's that Namine girl, or maybe Olette? They both seem mostly quiet, sweet and innocent, so it shouldn't be too hard to get information out of them.

"_Do you seriously know __**anything **__about me? __Kairi'__s my best-friend! She's been my best-friend since Sora figured out he was gay!" _Uh, oh, Roxie is starting to sound angry again. Quick, save yourself Axel!

"So, does that mean I can't get a quickie?"

"…"

"Roxie? Hello?"

So here I was, the next day on Sora's welcome mat, trying to think of a way to apologize for making the boy cry so that I would be on Roxas' good side again. I stared at the door for a moment longer and was shocked.

He and Roxas don't have the same type of door! What a cheap bastard of a landlord cannot coordinate his apartment complex? That's it, Roxas is moving in with me!

"Axel?" My eyes suddenly snapped down to see the Roxas look-alike had opened the door and was now looking at me like I was crazy. Yes, he is right. Well, he and Zexion. Zexion is correct that Sora had been born first, but I have a theory that Roxas may have been conceived first, so that would make Sora the Roxas look-alike and not Roxas the Sora look-alike.

"When were you conceived?"

"What?"

"Let's not go into that again…" We stood there for a moment longer, just blinking at each other. So I took the opportunity to look him over some more, and this brought me some interesting conclusions. One is that Sora and Roxas' faces are pretty identical (although Roxas has a strange birthmark that almost looks like a Roman Numeral XIII over the spot where his heart is, so I doubt their bodies are exact), but their eyes are not the same shade of blue. Sora has a, by the looks of it, constant deep blue color, but Roxas' eyes change shades of blue. When Roxas is deep in thought or sad, his eyes are a really deep blue, when he is really happy or embarrassed then they get lighter, and when he just wakes up they remind me of the sky. Another thing is that their tans are different. Sora's tan is deeper, by just a bit, so I thinks it's safe to assume that he spends a bit more time outside than Roxas does, because he is just a bit lighter than him. And then there is the obvious hair color thing, but really, I think they could almost successfully pass off as twins if one of them dyed their hair the other's color.

"I think it was me."

"What?" Sora just snapped me out of way too much zoning out to expect a quick retort.

"Can be a pronoun, noun, adjective, adverb, and more." Sora smiled like he had just achieved the highest honor in the world. Cute, kid.

"Ah, you're fast, kid, I think I'm starting to like you,"

"I'm not a kid!" And the smile is gone, this kid's expressions change as fast as Roxas'!

"Yeah, whatever, listen, I came to say I was sorry about the whole yelling at you thing. I think Roxas might be mad at me about it."

"So you came to apologize so he would keep putting out?"

"Am I that easy to read?"

"Nah, you just don't look very sorry at all, but don't worry! I'm not really that upset, so I'll put in a good word for ya!" He smiled easily, folding his arms behind his head.

"Thanks, you ever need something, just ask!" Well, this certainly made my life a bit easier.

"Actually…" I paused, he wasn't going to go back on what he just said, was he? "There is one thing I kinda need help with…"

"Let's grab Zexion and Demyx and we'll be ready to go! By the way, do you happen to have Kairi's number?"

* * *

"Why do you have a trebuchet?" Sora asked Zexion, loading said machine with the balloons filled with various liquids we could find.

"I got a sudden passion in mid-evil weaponry…" Zexion just continued his calculations after that lousy reasoning.

"Actually," Demyx piped up, making me once again happy that someone who liked to talk more started to date Zexion, "He got this through family inheritance from a long line of ancestors that ended with his great-grandfather, who passed it's owner ship to him in his will. That's why he asked, yesterday, what the range of a mid-evil catapult was."

"So, either way, Marluxia still lost the bet." I commented.

"Who's Marluxia?" Sora scrunched up his face, as if trying to figure out if he actually knew the guy or not.

"A guy Larxene decided to date for about 2 hours, he just stuck with us, though. He fits in with us quite well." I answered.

"I think that's the shortest relationship I've ever heard of." Sora replied, cautiously sniffing a balloon, then he started looking like he was holding down some vomit.

"Roxie never told you about when we first started dating, did he?"

"No… why?"

"We've been going out for 3 weeks now, right?" Sora nodded, pausing in his work to give his full attention, "Well, we've technically broken up 5 times since we started dating. The first time we got together, I had to do some real convincing to get Roxie to go out with me, but when he said yes I was so excited that I grabbed him and kissed him. 5 minutes later, I groped his butt and he broke up with me because he thought we were moving a bit too fast."

"Like a soap-opera fast-forwarded…" Demyx commented.

"But… I thought you guys had sex already… so if Rox thought you guys were going too fast then why would he ever go back out with you again, and have sex with you?" Sora asked, hand on his chin as if his brain would really able to work enough to produce a reasonable answer.

"Alcohol is an amazing substance, kid."

"Don't call me a kid!"

Zexion chose that moment to barge in and change the subject, again, "So are we going to fling mysterious-liquid-filled balloons at Riku's mansion, or not? Because my calculations are correct and we are ready to go." And with that, Zexion had doomed Riku's home to never be all the same color (or smell) again.

* * *

"There you guys are, we were wondering where you went!" Larxene called as Zexion, Demyx, Sora and I walked into her house, grinning like idiots, "Hm? And it looks like you brought along a spring fling, our groups just keeps getting bigger and bigger."

"What do ya mean, woman?" I asked, plopping down on the love-seat next to her again, while Zexion and Demyx took up their positions from yesterday again, and Sora fell back onto a blue bean bag chair between Luxord and I.

Marluxia looked up from his book on gardens in Alaska, in the same seat as yesterday too, and smirked, "Everyone, I'd like to introduce our new friend, Xigbar."

Said man walked out of the kitchen and proceeded to make himself comfy on Luxord's couch, "S'up… Dating the gambling addict."

"Strange," I mumbled.

"I know, Luxord doesn't seem like the dating type." Larxene agreed with me, then she turned to look at Sora who looked like he was being swallowed by the bean bag chair, "Sora, right?"

"Yup!" He replied cheerily, seeming to not notice he would soon become part of the furniture's digestive system.

"You're gonna need to get more furniture soon, Lars," I told her, lighting up a cigarette, "But I'll leave you guys to look through the catalogs, I've got a phone call to make!"

"Why is there a trebuchet in your front yard?" Luxord asked, suddenly walking into the living room and raising an eyebrow as he saw the people inside, "And who's the new-new guy?"

"Ex-boyfriends need less property," I answered and walked out the door.

"Okay, his name is Sora and you used the trebuchet to fling something at Riku's mansion? But how did you move it?"

* * *

_"Hello?"_

"This Kairi?"

"_Yeah, who's this?"_

"I'm Axel, Roxie's boyfriend, I wanted to know if you could help me out a bit."

"_You want to get in Roxas' pants? Sea-salt ice-cream will make him forgive you in a heartbeat!"_

"Am I really that easy to read?"

"_You just sound like that kind of guy, but now that I've told you this, could you do me a favor?"_

"Sell out your best-friend for a favor?"

"_Only true friends give out private information to their lovers, how else would relationships last?"_

"Longer than five minutes, hopefully, where were you when we first started dating?"

"_India."_

"Seriously?"

"_Trust me when I say elephants can take some serious bathroom breaks. Hey, how'd you get my number, anyway?"_

"Roxie look-alikes are not above revenge."

"_But he looks like he would be, doesn't he? So why is Rox angry with you?"_

I let my breath rush out of me as I fell back onto the couch in my own living, not Larxene's for once, and stared up at the ceiling, preparing myself for the girl-talk that was coming. Being Larxene's best-friend for 5 years has made me able to see the tell tale signs of whining, complaining, moaning and self-pitying… okay, so most of it was coming from me, but the point is that it sucks a great deal of energy from you. And, of course, the fact that I'm gonna talk this freely with someone who is basically a stranger to me does not bother me in the least bit, "I like to blame this mess on Roxie's ass. If it weren't for that ass, I wouldn't have groped it, and I wouldn't be in this situation."

"_Stop right there, I'm calling in my favor…"_

* * *

"Why?"

"Because I think they belong together, no matter how dumb they are." Kairi responded, kneeling behind the tree beside the gate surrounding Riku's mansion with the sack in her hands.

"No, why do you need me for this?"

"Because I need someone with muscle, obviously I don't have any." She rolled her eyes, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Why am I here?" Luxord asked, standing next to his ex-boyfriend, Xigbar. Yet another quick relationship that leaves us with another friend in our group.

"Because you were still dating Xigbar when you came, plus you have a car, and Xigbar wanted to watch Axel hit someone over the head with a bat and then get stuffed into a sack." She explained again, somehow keeping track of everything.

"Why are you hitting him with a bat and stuffing him in a sack, anyway?" Xigbar asked, smirking in his excitement as he waited.

"So that he won't put up a fight when we tie him, naked, to Sora's bed."

"Whoa." I muttered.

"Hardcore." Xigbar awed.

"20 bucks says Sora will still get fucked up the ass tonight." Luxord smirked, pulling out a notebook.

"30." Kairi said, getting a smile that I never want to see on a seemingly innocent girl. EVER. AGAIN.

"Not betting." I took the safe side, Luxord can be scary serious when it comes to betting.

"15 says Riku will get it up the ass." Xigbar answered, making everyone look at him funny, "…"

"Who'll ask?" I broke the silence, seeing how Xigbar was gonna explain his reasoning.

"I will." Kairi smiled, waving the question off and then jumping up as she heard Riku's voice as he walked down his super long driveway.

"Yes, Mom, I will make sure to apologize and-Kairi?" I swung the bat quickly, hitting him on the side of the head and feeling the rush of adrenaline and power that can only come from pointlessly knocking someone out with a weapon.

Kairi expertly shook out the bag and began pushing his body inside, making me wonder if she had done this before… I'll make sure to piss Roxie off less in the future… "Quick! Open the trunk and stuff him in, you guys!"

* * *

"So, as I was saying over the phone," I began, duck-taping Riku's arms and legs to the bed posts as Kairi stripped him of his clothes, "Roxas drew me in and practically forced me to molest him! And that's why our relationship is here! But after a while I started to realize my true feelings for Rox. So I told him I loved him after a particularly good round of sex."

"And what did he say?" She asked, pulling out a bag of rose petals from her backpack and began throwing them onto Riku's unconscious and naked body.

"'I'm not gonna be able to walk for a week, you better love me.'"

"Ah, now that's true love! Grab the lube from my bag and put it on the bed-side table, would ya?" She smiled, somehow able to say both lines without completely disturbing me.

"Yeah, well, a couple days later, we stopped having sex because he started avoiding me!" I sighed, searching her bag and pulling out the lube to do as she requested, "What do you want to do with the vibrator?"

"Oh, put that with the lube, please?" She smiled, thankfully, "Well, I don't think it has anything to do with the love confession. Roxas does love you, no doubt because he wouldn't put up with you if he didn't. Take that from me. But maybe you are just over-thinking things? Roxas doesn't avoid people. If the person starts to become an annoyance, then he cuts them out of his life. You two would've broken up by now, in that case."

"What if he's cheating on me?"

"Roxas doesn't cheat." She said, creepily sternly… I don't want to know where she got that whip.

* * *

"Told you they'd be here soon." Xigbar laughed as Kairi and I walked into Larxene's apartment to find everyone in their usual spots, Xigbar having now claimed half of Luxord's couch as he allowed the lower half of the man's legs to rest in his lap.

"Hey, Kairi!" Sora waved to his best-friend, smiling way too innocently for a guy who has an ex-boyfriend tied up naked to his bed.

Kairi smiled sweetly at said boy as she pulled up the stool from the breakfast bar behind mine and Larxene's love seat, "Hey, Sora, Riku's tied naked to your bed. We set out some lube, a vibrator and a kinky whip, have fun!"

"WHAT?" Sora attempted to make a quick dash for the door, failing as the bean bag chair had swallowed his ass and was giving him a hard time about a refund. Finally, after about 2 full minutes of amusing struggling where the rest of us just watched him, he managed to stand up straight. And then promptly ran out of the house screaming Riku's name.

"Hey, Lars,"

"Yeah, Axe?"

"You need to get some more furniture."

* * *

"How's that?" Larxene asked me, pointing at a beat up plaid sofa that looked like it probably could fold out into a couch and I slowed her pickup so Kairi, Demyx and I could all get a better look at it.

"Good enough for me, let's get it into the pickup, guys." I grunted, getting out of the car.

"I'll spray it down!" Demyx yelled, excited… although I have no idea why…

"I call dibs on it as my official seat!" Kairi yelled in a retort.

"SHUT UP, YOU DAMN KIDS!" The response to their yelling made the two jump.

"SHUT UP, MANSEX! WE'RE TAKING YOUR SOFA!" I shouted back, grabbing one side as Demyx went for the other and Kairi and Larxene went to the front and the back sides.

"On the count of three." Larxene grunted, "Not 1 or 2, Dem, 3. Got it?"

"Yeah, yeah! C'mon already! I can't squat here forever!"

"Patience! Jesus!" Larxene snapped back playfully, "1… 2-"

"3!" I nearly screamed as his half of the couch went flying up… and flipped over… and loomed over me… and… shit.

"DEMYX! I'M GONNA MASTICATE YOU!"

"Your gonna chew me? Ew…"

* * *

"What happened to you?" Roxas screamed, staring at me horrified, on his couch with Larxene on one side, Kairi on my other, signing my arm cast, Demyx glaring at me while rubbing his arm where a bite mark showed proudly, and Zexion searching Roxas' bathroom for Ibuprofen.

"Helped a friend get revenge, played with mid-evil weaponry, met a little nympho chick, made the same friend's ultimate wet dream come true, yelled at Mansex, and then masticated Dem for crushing me with household furniture." Roxas just looked at me.

"Why did you do this?"

"Uh…" I blinked for a second and just continued to stare at him as he gave me a defeated look, "Well… It all leads back to your ass. But the real reason would be because I love you and don't want to break up?"

"I love you, too, Axe. And we aren't breaking up, or do you want to have more broken bones?"

"You're hot when you're threatening bodily harm."

"No sex while you're injured."

"So… does this mean all that stalking we did was for nothing?" Demyx asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Stalking? You stalked me?"

"Demyx, I'm gonna digest you!" I hissed through my teeth as the other man cowered in fear.

"Why is there a sandwich on the counter of your bathroom, Rox?" Zexion asked, walking in with a bottle of Ibuprofen.

"So that's where it went…"

"Ew." Kairi wrinkled up her nose, "That's horrible, Rox."

"Are you aware of some of the stuff _you_ do?" I asked her.

* * *

"And that's the story of how all of us became friend and/or lovers." Kairi finished, smiling as she looked over everyone in their normal places in Larxene's house. Including Riku saving Sora's ass from the ass-eating bean bag chair by sacrificing his own and letting Sora curl up in his lap, and Roxas leaning against Axel's chest comfortably and falling asleep from the story.

"That's great and all…" Leon said, Cloud behind him with his face scrunched up in confusion, "But what does this have to do with your overdue rent?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to make sure you would take me seriously when I told you what I will do to you if you evict Larxene." Kairi smiled sweetly, again.

"We can wait another couple weeks…" Leon muttered, grabbing Cloud, who was staring off into space in boredom before, and quickly pushing him out of the house.

"Oh, what would we do without you, Kairi?" Axel smirked amusedly at the girl, before smiling warmly at the boy asleep in his arms.

"Axel, you dumbass…" Roxas muttered in his sleep.

"Answer your question?" Sora smiled.

"Not really."

"I want a battering ram…" Everyone turned to look at Zexion, who blinked at the sudden attention and his boyfriend smiling at him, "What?"


End file.
